I find myself engaged in a battle to push others away from me, to force loving friends and family from my life. I expend all my energies pushing others away as if it is what I desire, however when everyone has departed from my presence there is nothing left for me. All ambition, and all this iritation at those bodies for being near, vanish and there is nothing for me. I seat myself in front of this damned computer while they are here, and once they have all left, there is nothing I have ambition to do online. I have forced my wife away from me, I have become so irritated that it is hard for me to be a loving and kind father to my children. I am at war with my own mind, and whatever part of me that is wrong has the upper hand. I've had it, nothing more to say tonight. Loneliness is so demanding. If I hadn't the inclination that having Jennifer here tonight would end in an utter fiasco I would ask her to stay. But I know better, if we are going to make it we can not be together now. However that mentality has corrupted our already futile effort to keep a relationship alive which is long dead. I pray for my childrens' sake I make the correct decisions.